The Quest for the Holy Grain
Beer Wisdom


Benefits of Drinking Beer
The 10 Stages of Drunkenness from Baja Oklahoma by Dan Jenkins:

  • Witty and Charming.
  • Rich and Powerful.
  • Benevolent.
  • Clairvoyant.
  • F**k Dinner.
  • Patriotic.
  • Crank Up the Enola Gay.
  • Witty and Charming, Part II.
  • Invisible.
  • Bulletproof.


We May Owe Our Independence to Beer!

"The Tavern," said Daniel Webster, "was the headquarters of the revolution."

The Boston Tea Party was plotted at the Green Dragon Tavern.

After drilling on the village green, Minutemen repaired to the local tavern...their headquarters.

The Apollo Room of the Raleigh Tavern in Williamsburg was a meeting spot for Virginia's revolutionaries.

In response to the Stamp Act, New York merchants met at Burn's Tavern to coordinate a boycott of British goods.

Thomas Jefferson is said to have written part of the Declaration of Independence in Philadelphia's Indian Queen.

George Washington bid an emotional farewell to his officers at Fraunces Tavern in New York.

The "shot heard round the world" may have been fired from a window of Buckman's Tavern on Lexington Green.

...Benson Bobrick, Angel in the Whirlwind


Beer Troubleshooting Chart

Today's beer drinker has many decisions to make, and a serious Questor has even more:
Do I want ale or lager?
Bottle or Draft?
Micro or macro?
Domestic or import?
Presentation...mouthfeel...ABV...EGF...Is it no wonder that we become confused?
Here is an easy-to-use, nearly foolproof Troubleshooting Guide. If you use this and still don't enjoy your beer, well, it ain't our fault.


Feet cold and wet.
Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

Feet warm and wet.
Improper bladder control.
Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
Glass empty.
Get someone to buy you another beer.

Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
You have fallen over backward.
Have yourself lashed to bar.

Mouth contains cigarette butts.
You have fallen forward.
See above.

Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

Floor blurred.
You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
Get someone to buy you another beer.

Floor moving.
You are being carried out.
Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

Room seems unusually dark.
Bar has closed.
Confirm home address with bartender.

Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
Cover mouth.

Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
You are dancing on the table.
Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

Beer is crystal-clear.
It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
Punch him.

Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
You have been in a fight.
Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
You've wandered into the wrong party.
See if they have free beer.

Your singing sounds distorted.
The beer is too weak.
Have more beer until your voice improves.

Don't remember the words to the song.
Beer is just right.
Play air guitar.

Beer Wisdom Through the Ages

“Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy” - Benjamin Franklin

“An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with fools.” - Ernest Hemingway

"It was a natural as eating and to me as necessary, and I would not have thought of eating a meal without drinking  beer"- Ernest Hemingway

"The worst thing about some men is that when they are not drunk they are sober." - Yeats

"I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me." - Winston Churchill

"Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water." - W.C.Fields

"Give me a woman who truly loves beer and I will conquer the world" - Kaiser Wilhelm

"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar." - Unknown

"Give my people plenty of beer, good beer and cheap beer, and you will have no revolution among them" - Queen Victoria

“Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn’t drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, “It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true, than be selfish and worry about my liver.” - by Jack Handy

“I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day.” - Frank Sinatra

"It only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can't remember whether it's the thirteenth or fourteenth." - George Burns

"Let's get out of these wet clothes and into a dry Martini..." - Mae West 

“Twenty-four hours in a day, twenty-four beers in a case. Coincidence?” - Stephen Wright

"A psychologist once said that we know little about the conscience - except that it is soluble in alcohol." - Thomas Blackburn

"After drinking four Martinis, my husband turns into a disgusting beast. And after the fifth, I pass out altogether." - Anonymous

"One more drink and I'd have been under the host." - Dorothy Parker

"The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house." - Jeff Foxworthy

"I'm not so think as you drunk I am !" - John Squire

"If love makes the world go around, then whisky makes it go around twice as fast!" - Compton Mackenzie

"You're not drunk unless you can lie on the floor without holding on !" - Dean Martin

“A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the decency to thank her.” - W.C. Fields

“When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading !!!” - Henny Youngman

“When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let’s all get drunk and go to heaven!” - Brian O’Rourke

“You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.” Frank Zappa

A Special Tribute to Homer Simpson


"Ah, beer, my one weakness. My Achille's heel, if you will."

"Ah, the college roadtrip. What better way to spread beer-fueled mayhem?"

"All right, brain. You don't like me and I don't like you, but let's just do this and I can get back to killing you with beer."

"Son, a woman is a lot like a... a refrigerator! They're about six feet tall, 300 pounds. They make ice, and ... um ... Oh, wait a minute. Actually, a woman is more like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you'd step over your own mother just to get one! But you can't stop at one. You wanna drink another woman!"

"Beer. Now there's a temporary solution."

"I like my beer cold ... my TV loud ... and my homosexuals flaming."

"Oh no! What have I done? I smashed open my little boy's piggy bank, and for what? A few measly cents, not even enough to buy one beer. Wait a minute, lemme count and make sure ... not even close. "

"Oh, Lisa, you and your stories ... Bart's a vampire, beer kills brain cells. Now let's go back to that ... building ... thingie ... where our beds and TV ... is."

"Now son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for Daddys, and kids with fake IDs."

"I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer."

"You must love this country more than I love a cold beer on a hot Christmas morning."

"Alcohol is my way of life, and I aim to keep it."

"Well beer, we had some great times. [sings 'When I was seventeen'].

When I was seventeen
I drank some very good beer
I drank some very good beer I purchased
With a fake ID
My name was Brian McGee
I stayed up listening to Queen
When I was seventeen."

"Ah, good ol' trustworthy beer. My love for you will never die."

"You put the beer in the coconut and throw the can away."

Rev. Lovejoy : So Homer, please feel free to tell us anything. There's no judgment here.
Homer : The other day I was so desperate for a beer I snuck into the football stadium and ate the dirt under the bleachers.
Rev. Lovejoy : I cast thee out!

"Homer no function beer well without."

"That's it! If I'm gonna be trapped inside the house I gotta go out and buy some beer."

"I am sorry. I thought he was a party robot." [after pouring beer into Lisa's science project robot].

Moe : Hey, I got to pay for that.
Homer : Moe, you got it wrong. People buy beer from YOU! [playing with the beer tap at Moe's].

"Wow! my concert-going shirt still fits! ... and here's where I used to hide my beer." [there's an old beer can in the jacket pocket].

TV : Are you stuck in a deadend job?
Homer : May be.
TV : Are you sitting on your couch in front of the tv ...
Homer : What's it to you?
TV : Are you on to your 3rd beer of the evening?
Homer : Does whiskey count as beer?

"I’ve figured out an alternative to giving up my beer. Basically, we become a family of travelling acrobats."

Homer : "No beer and no TV make Homer something something
Marge : Go crazy?

"It's not nearly as complicated as Moe made it seem." [pouring beer from a tap].

Homer's Answering Machine - "Hello. You've reached the home of who ever you are calling. We can't your call right now because we're at Moe's Tavern with a frosty mug of Duff beer. Mmm…Duff. Please leave a message at the beep and we'll call you back if there isn't a good wrestling match on TV. Beep. D'oh!"

"Aw, there's only one can of beer left and it's Bart’s."

"Maybe it’s the beer talking, Marge, but you got a butt that won’t quit. They’ve got these chewy pretzels ....(mumbles)…five dollars? Get out of here."

Bart & Lisa : Huh? Bye mom, bye dad.
Homer : Bye kids. On your way back, pick up a six-pack of beer.

Marge : Have you been drinking?
Homer : No! Well, ten beers.


Marge : Oh, we drank so much that night!
Homer : Yeah, I thought Bart would be born a dimwit!
Marge : [laughs uneasily] Yeah ...
Homer : Well, this time I'm drunk on love ... and beer.

Around the house, I never lift a finger. As a husband and father I'm sub-par. I'd rather drink a beer than win Father of the Year. I'm happy with things the way they are.

Bart : I'll go to Moe's for a couple of of beers.
Homer : I'll go with you.

"Jeez. No beer ... no opera dogs ..."

"You've been rubbing my nose in it since I got here! Your family is better than my family, your beer comes from farther away than my beer, you and your son like each other, your wife's butt is higher than my wife's butt! You make me sick!"

Homer : Marge, it's 3 a.m. and I worked all day!
Marge : It's 9:30 p.m. and you spent your whole Saturday drinking beer in Maggie's kiddie pool.

Homer's brain : Don't think about beer.
[sees a 'Alcohol-fuelled car' sign and imagines pumping gas]
One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.

"One down and 29 to go." [giving up alcohol for a month].

"TV, have you turned on me too?" [beer commercials].

Burns : ... I want to be loved.
Homer : ... Well ... I need a beer.

Marge : All right, all right, now, you're over stimulated. Let's get some beer in you and then it's right to bed.
Homer : Woo hoo! [running] Beer, beer, beer, bed, bed, bed!




"Hallowed be thy Beer"